By Rodetta Cook

Rodetta Cook has been a pastor’s wife for over 40 years. She and her husband, Ron, have actively served the Lord together in ministry during the entire time and are co-founders of Care for Pastors. She understands the expectations, loneliness and how hard it is to find balance in ministry as a pastor’s wife. Rodetta also leads the pastor’s wives initiative at Care for Pastors called The Confidante and ministers to hundreds of wives each week. She strives to share blogs with other pastors’ wives that will help them in their ministry walk.

    The Pastor’s Marriage

    Monday, February 04, 2019

    With Valentine’s Day coming up we should all be in the mood for love. Unfortunately, what we see many times here at Care for Pastors is that many pastors and spouses have lost that “love” and “respect” for their spouse. Many times the church or ministry has taken the place of the spouse and there is anger and resentment built up.

    I want to share an observation from one of our Administrators in our private Facebook group for pastors’ wives.

    Can I keep this short and sweet? I don’t know. This has really been on my heart.

    I am seeing two extremes lately. I am seeing husbands walk all over their wives and treat them like a servant with no regard to their feelings or needs. The wife is walking around on eggshells to please this man and keep his anger on simmer. She feels trapped by his control and responsible for him, their kids and their future. She quietly subjects herself to his abusive ways and constantly reminds herself of his (very few) good days. How much more can she take before she breaks? This man is not a blessing to her and he doesn’t realize she is his greatest asset. What a shame.

    Okay. Now, I am seeing something just as equally disturbing. I am seeing wives who do not appreciate their husbands. They are not satisfied with anything the man tries to do. And nothing makes these wives happy. It’s never enough. They bombard their husbands with all their needs and expect him to drop everything for them.

    He comes through the door and she is in meltdown mode regarding the kids. Never mind he has worked all day to provide for her and the kids, (She stays home with them.) never mind he is stressed and feeling overloaded himself. When he tries to step in and help discipline the kids she doesn’t like that either. These women are high maintenance and they hold the power to make or break their husbands and they are breaking him. How much more can he take? His blood pressure is high, he is stressed out and he feels he will never do enough or be enough for his wife. Ladies, don’t let this be you!

    Listen, I am not the perfect wife. And I will tell you my husband is not the perfect husband. He’s not. I don’t expect him to be perfect and he doesn’t expect me to be perfect. Our marriage is both give and take. I do my part by being good to my husband. I try to make his life the best it can be. Although some things are out of my control, some things are not. I can be an encourager to him. When I see he is down and needs a lift, I can do that. And this marriage is not one-sided. He encourages me too. He shows me his love and I respond.

    Have we said and done things to hurt each other? Yes. But we work through it, for us, for our kids, for our future. I know my husband. I know what he likes and what he does not like. And because of my love for him, I cater to him. I will do without, so that he may have, so that he is happy. You know why I do this? Because this is what he does for me. We cater to each other. Listen, marriage is work.

    I don’t want to tear my man down. I don’t want to add to his frustrations and stress. I want to be his helper in all things. We are not against each other. We are on the same side working together to make our marriage the best it can be. And with God’s help our marriage can be a blessing to us and to our Church. That’s how God designed it to be and that’s how I want it to be.

    – Christy

    So ladies if you find yourself in either of these scenarios, make a commitment to your marriage that you and your husband will get help. Your marriage is worth fighting for. It won’t get better if you have already gotten into the habit of not setting proper boundaries. You are not your husband’s doormat and he is not your “knight in shining armor”. We need to respect and love one another but not expect the other person to be our “everything.”

    Help us continue providing resources of care for pastors and their families.

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