Are you praying with your spouse? This is a question I often ask when counseling with pastor’s wives. It may or may not surprise you that the answer I hear more often than not is “no” or “not as often as we should.” Now, I am not talking about praying over dinner, or for someone else in the church because there is a need or health issue, or during family devotions. I’m not even talking about praying FOR your spouse when you are alone. I am asking, “Are you, as a husband and wife, meeting together regularly to pray with and for one another?” People (who are not in ministry) might assume that because they are a pastoral family they must be praying as a couple. But what people overlook “because we are in ministry” is that we face the same conflicts in marriage – unmet expectations, struggling finances, pressures, temptations – that every other married couple face and, sometimes, we fail to get to it right. Sometimes, we neglect praying with our spouse.
One of the number one reasons cited for couples not praying together (yes, this includes pastoral families), is conflicting schedules. We don’t make time because of the busyness of our schedules. We are busy serving others in church and serving our own family, burning the candle at both ends, doing wonderful, God-honoring things, but missing out on the greatest and, I believe, most meaningful opportunity for intimacy in marriage.
The enemy of our soul does not want husbands and wives praying together. Praying together as a couple is dangerous to his schemes. I had a friend share with me one time in her sweet southern accent, “If Satan can’t make you bad, he’ll make you busy.” Satan understands that if he can keep you busy, disconnected from one another, he can weaken the bond between a husband and wife, especially in a pastor’s family, who should know better, right?
I would challenge you to recognize who your real enemy is…your enemy is not lack of time or busy schedules. Your enemy is not that church member who lives to cause dissention. Your enemy is not your husband who doesn’t understand why you feel the way you do. Your enemy is a real adversary, Satan. The truth is, he doesn’t have the kind of power in your life that he thinks he does, only what you give him. Ephesians 6:12 tells us, “For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.”
When couples pray together there is a bond of understanding, a strength that is created through the power of the Holy Spirit. When we MAKE time to pray with our spouse there is less conflict, less frustration, less miscommunication.
There are, of course, other factors that contribute to couples not praying together – the intimidation factor, fear of vulnerability or, if you were like me, I was never discipled or taught how to pray with my husband, so it was just awkward. Thankfully, my husband and I intentionally began praying together early in our marriage. And it was a game-changer! Through prayer and the surrendering of our marriage to the Lord, we were able to face the devasting challenges we endured as a family in ministry. God knew and was equipping our marriage through prayer with what we would need to combat the enemy and his lies. Genesis 50:20 reminds us that, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” (NIV)
So, if you are struggling to make time to pray with your spouse, but desire to, here are just a few things to remember as you get started:
- Keep it simple. You don’t have to pray for long periods of time or use big fancy words for the Lord to hear you. Remember, this is a time for you and your spouse to share with the Lord what is on your heart and connect spiritually.
- Be consistent. There is power in consistency. It reminds you both of your need to put God first in your marriage. Find a time during the day that works for both of you.
- Be intentional – No more excuses! Excuses are “lies from the enemy.” There may be days you are unable to pray together. Thankfully, we walk in the grace that God gives us. Never give up trying to create the one habit you do not want to do without.
You simply cannot do this on your own. You need your heavenly Father’s wisdom and guidance. When you commit to come together and pray as a couple, you are asking God to do what you can’t. It places you both in a position of humility that has the power to change your attitude toward one another and allows you to love each other better.
