I have been a pastor’s wife for 47 years and in those 47 years have experienced a lot of “ministry trauma.” Yes, there is such a thing as “ministry trauma.” We don’t have to be in ministry long before we experience that on some level and the longer we are in ministry the harder or more severe that trauma can become.
My Experience With Ministry Trauma
My first experience of that trauma was in our first ministry where we were both working for the church and Christian School and had gone without pay for six weeks. Therefore, I needed to look for another job and when God plainly laid that job in my lap, I thought the Senior Pastor would be so excited for me. But instead, he raked me over the coals saying, “You were hired as a package deal what do you mean you are taking another job?” Of course being a young twenty-one year old, I said, “I thought hired meant you get paid?” Needless to say, that did not go over well, but I did take the job that God provided but that really stung coming from my Senior Pastor. My husband Ron, stayed employed at the church and school for another six months with very little pay and God moved us to another ministry.
We were so excited to be at this new church where my husband was the Senior Pastor and I was working at a bank, but involved in the Women’s Ministry. At one of our first business meetings, a Deacon stood up and told my husband, “The problem with you Preacher, is you don’t have enough stripes on your back and it is up to us to put some on you.” My husband was 25 and I was 22. And they proceeded to put those stripes on our backs. But, God was faithful and moved us to another church where we experienced tremendous growth and a wonderful experience.
However, when you experience these things in ministry you start to ask yourself, “Is there something wrong with me or us? If you allow yourself to keep asking that question, you will eventually convince yourself there is something wrong with you and the vicious cycle continues.
Looking at Ministry Trauma Differently
We recently had a school principal share a tool with us that has helped deal with our own questions. as well as help other pastors and spouses look at things differently.
The tool the principal shared is in a story:
A student walks into a classroom and slams the door, shoves a chair out of the way, and slams their bookbag on their desk and slumps down in their chair. The normal reaction from the teacher would be to ask, “What is wrong with you?” Which would only escalate the situation. Instead, if the teacher would ask, “What has happened to you?” This would open the door for the student to share what he or she may have experienced at home or on the bus that morning that caused these outbursts and it would make them feel seen and heard.
The same thing can be applied to ministry trauma. Instead of asking ourselves, “What is wrong with me?” We should ask ourselves, “What has happened to me?” Then as we begin to peel away the layers of what has happened, we can start to process the hurt and pain and the healing process can begin and our responses will change. But as long as we are asking what is wrong with me, we will be stuck.
I wish I could say those two ministry experiences were all the “ministry trauma” we experienced, but it wasn’t. However, I am thankful that in each of those situations we were determined to grow through them not just go through them. But I do wish we had had this simple tool earlier in ministry of asking what had happened, not what was wrong with us.
I pray this story and tool our principal friend shared with us will help you as you process your ministry trauma. We are here to walk this journey with you. Please let us know how we can help.
