It hides in ordinary conversations and catches you off guard—especially when someone asks, “So when are you going to start your family?” Or “How many kids do you have?”
Even though I know better, I once asked that second question to a couple at our table. As soon as I asked, I saw the woman’s face fall. I was horrified that I had put someone in that position. Of course, she would have joined the conversation if she wanted to.
That’s some of the pain of infertility—figuring out what to say and how to navigate conversations. And then there’s the roller coaster of emotions every month as you’re trying to get pregnant. You plan. You hope. And then you feel disappointed all over again.
Maybe you’ve been trying for months, maybe for years, and you’re wondering what the next step should be, or if you should just lose hope altogether. Close friends may know your heartache, but there’s only so much comfort they can bring. And this kind of thing certainly doesn’t go on the prayer chain. So… loneliness settles in.
It’s hard to rejoice when friends and family get pregnant again. You attend another shower, acting excited. You open another birth announcement and realize someone else has what you’ve been longing for. You want to rejoice with those who rejoice, but few seem able to weep with you.
You don’t want platitudes—Romans 8:28 tossed out, or “maybe you can adopt.” Or after multiple miscarriages, you hear “I’m sure you’ll get pregnant eventually.” These may be well-meaning, but they can land as judgment, as if you aren’t allowed to grieve or as if you have much control in the matter in the first place.
God sees you in this. He hears your cries. So, pour out your heart to him. Lament. Ask him for what your heart longs for. In the Bible, Hannah cried angry, bitter tears before the Lord (1 Samuel 1:10). Follow her example and don’t hold back. I can’t promise a particular outcome, but I can promise that God will meet you where you are.
Veneetha Risner
Below are some additional articles and resources to help you journey through this yourself or to help another through this with sensitivity and understanding.
https://www.risenmotherhood.com/articles/facing-the-false-guilt-of-infertility
https://www.reviveourhearts.com/blog/lessons-waiting-room-infertility/
https://www.journeywomen.org/blogs/gospel-hope-in-infertility
