I’ve been trying to figure out how to write this post for a long time, as it is a very touchy subject for pastors and pastors’ wives. Here we go…
As pastors and pastors’ wives, we devote our heart and soul to our church members. We are there for them for marriages, births, family struggles, hospital visits, and deaths. We’re always loyal and faithful with our arms open wide welcoming people into our lives and church. When people decide they no longer want to attend our church, we are heartbroken and shattered, but we send them off with love and blessings. Many times, people still want to get together with us even though they have left our church.
Some people might think this is no big deal, but let me explain it to you in a way you may be able to understand:
Imagine your boyfriend or girlfriend broke up with you and left you devastated. You were in love with them and thought everything was going great in that relationship, and you were shell-shocked when they cut ties. A few months later they call you asking if you can go out for coffee or lunch just to catch up? They have no intentions of getting back together with you, but they miss the love and attention you gave them. How would that make you feel?… Would you feel used? Confused? When someone leaves our church, they have every right to do so, and we pray they can find another pastor/pastor’s wife and church to fulfill their needs. But when you still want to get together with us from time to time after leaving our church because you need support, love, and friendship, we are left feeling hurt, confused, and used. If you need us so much, then why did you leave our church? Why aren’t you getting together with your new pastor/pastor’s wife for your needs to be met?
When I met with my counselor 4 years ago due to extreme ministry burnout, she gave me fantastic advice. She told me that I should no longer be spreading myself thin spending time with every single member in church, but instead give the best parts of myself to our staff and our top volunteers. We do not have an associate pastor; therefore, my husband and I bear the burden of leading a church mostly by ourselves. There’s no way one couple can meet the needs of everyone in their church. This way we’re pouring into our leaders and then our leaders will pour into others. When someone takes the next step and gets more involved in our church, then a benefit will be that they will have more access to me and my friendship.
My time, my advice, and my love are valuable. I’m learning to respect myself in this way and realize not everyone deserves my time and attention. I’m a busy mother who is homeschooling my four children and teaching at our homeschool co-op, I volunteer my time every week working for a sex trafficking ministry, and I’m extremely involved in our church. I must give the best parts of myself to the people who are on my teams: my family, my trafficking ministry, my homeschool co-op community, and my church. I am not a superhuman. I have autoimmune issues, IBS, and insomnia. If I burn myself out, I get sick and wake up with cold sores all over my mouth, and it takes days to recover. I’m already overwhelmed giving my time and attention to the people in my life as it is, and I must guard my heart and my mind to extra requests for my time. If someone has left our church, that is their choice. But then they also are leaving behind access to my husband and I, our friendship, and our advice.
There are no hard feelings. There is no anger…it is just simply a boundary issue and a way to keep ourselves from burning out.
I hope this post helps pastors and pastors’ wives and church members alike to understand this tricky and delicate subject. God bless to all.
